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Below are excerpts from thisstrife.com/sluggy/tmstsep04.htm.
JESUS CHRIST WAS A SKATER.
Do you know what this means? Skaters are protected by God. Now how can we point and laugh at them when they try to do fancy tricks and fall flat on their faces, without incurring the wrath of the Almighty Himself?
This explains why skaters wear pads, and seem to always be bleeding! That's not injuries from their hilariously painful failed attempts at doing fancy tricks at all! That's stigmata! The pads are to cover it up so that they don't bleed all over everyone!
So how can we use this bit of information to predict what the return of Jesus will be like when Armageddon is upon us? Using the latest in computer tech-ma-nology, that's how! And here is the result. This is what the second coming of Jesus H. Christ will be like:
UPDATE - More info about Jesus H. Christ being a skater: It is quite likely that Jesus' Walking-on-Water "miracle" was actually just a bit of surfing. Jesus was trying to teach Saint Peter how to surf, but Pete lost it and like totally wiped out. Bummer, dude!
Here is disputable photographic evidence that Jesus was indeed a surfer.