The Good, 

the Bad and the Ugly
Welcome to the spot where I rant about my favourite things, my not-so-favourite things, and the things that just yank my chain, as the saying goes.

This week's feature:
Because I lost it on the way here?

The Good:
"The big kids beat me up and destroyed my homework."
This excuse works every time, unless you happen to be a big kid, in which case you should not have to come up with an excuse for not doing your homework at all - just rob some smaller kid's homework. The only problem with this system is that this excuse only works on teachers, not on big kids who are robbing you of your homework. Should you find yourself on the "little kid" end of this sticky scenario, be sure to have some lunch money with you.
Do not, repeat NOT attempt to use the lunch money to pay off the teacher, in the event of homeworklessness. Teachers these days are always bitching about their salary and lunch money is never enough to satisfy even the most lowly secondary school relief teacher. Hooooooboy.

The Bad:
"I was too busy doing all my other homework."
This is a bad excuse because you are supposed to be an organised person now, and taking responsibility for your own blah blah blah whoop-dee-flipping blah. You've heard it before. I've heard it before. EVERYONE tries this one out and gets the SAME GOLLY-GOSHDARN DAGNABBITTED F**KING RESPONSE. Where do you think your teacher learned the "supposed to be organised... taking responsibility..." speech? Teacher's College? No. It is an ancient chant handed down through the generations of educators.

The Ugly:
"My dog ate it."
Your dog ate it. Why is it that teachers are expected to believe that homework seems to be the staple diet of domesticated canines the world over? And what is it about mathematics homework that dogs prefer? Is it some deep-bred instinct in dogs that homework tastes nice; some kind of evolutionary throwback from the days when the ancestral dogs of ages long ago used to hunt for homework in the wild plains of the prehistoric world? Could it be that these primal hounds, travelling in packs, would attack the skipping flocks of history homework; the thundering herds of english homework; the mighty, long-tusked, woolly science homework; and the much-sought, wandering, defenceless -not to mention extremely tasty- maths homework? Perhaps this mystery is one that scientists of today can only guess at. Well, the scientists whose homework was kept out of reach of dogs, of course.

Y'know what I'm going to do? I'm going to market a new type of dog food that's homework flavoured, make a gazillion dollars, and retire. Well, actually, I won't because I'd rather be making gazillions of dollars off this website (HA!!! HA!!!!! HAAAAA!!!!!!!!!). So if I hear about any of you lot making gazillions from homework-flavoured dog food, I am going to sue you for stealing my idea. Well, maybe not sue, but I'll definitely make an effort to punch you in the elbow. Right in the funny bone so that your hand goes all tingly and numb for a few seconds. Yeeeaaaah.

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