"Too Much Spare Time" Productions Presents...
A "Glimmer Of Light" Film
The Sound Of ENSOC

Opening: There is a chime; the music starts. Fade-in on the words "Bishop Julius Hall", on the wall of that particular hall of residence. Mark is standing to the left, with a vessel of beer in each hand. The string section makes a delicate flourish and there is a dramatic key change as Mark staggers down the footpath. Reaching the large grassy area, he spirals drunkenly as the music approaches a crescendo...
Run, Mark! Don't miss the bus!
[Song: "The Sound Of ENSOC" - lyrics by Andrew Kepple, altered by Richard Millard]
The halls are alive... (burp!)
The halls are alive, with the sound of ENSOC
My head is swimming, with too much beer...
The halls are alive... with the sound of ENSOC...
[Fade to title screen.]

The sound Of ENSOC

[Song: "ENSOC Party"]
(There ain't no party like an ENSOC party!)
Gonna skull that beer...
Hey! Ho!

Scene I:
Mark is lying on the floor of his hall.
VOICE OF HALL-MASTER: MARK! Wake up! Oi! It appears that once again, your inebriated exertions have resulted in property damage to our hall of residence!
Now, here - at Bishop Julius Hall - we pride ourselvess on the well-mannered and non-troublemaking nature of each and every resident. YOU, on the other hand, are a RIGHT PAIN IN THE BOTTOM!
You can get out of this hall right now. Go on, you're out!
MARK: Wha-? What am I gonna do? No landlord will take a beer-swilling, vandalising ENSOC-head like myself! Where am I gonna go?

Cut to outside Rochester & Rutherford Hall

MARK: Ah yes! Rochester & Rutherford Hall. Heh-heh-heh!
Cut to just outside Mark's new room.
Lisa knocks on the door. Mark answers.
LISA: Hi, we just thought we'd welcome you to our floor. I'm Lisa.
FRED: I'm Fred, and I'm impossible.
AMANDA: I'm Amanda and I'll be your next-door neighbour.
STEVE: I'm Steve, would you believe?
KATH: I'm Kath; beware my wrath!
BRIDGET: I'm Bridget.
SARAH: Hey, I'm Sarah!
MARK: Hey; I'm Mark. I was kicked out of B.J. Hall for, ah, too much drinking... uh, the ENSOC party.
LISA: What's N-Sock?
MARK (facing camera, news-presenter style): ENSOC is by far the oldest and most famous society at the university of Canterbury. ENSOC brings to you such fun and revelling, such as the Chunder Mile, the Undie 500 and, of course, the barbecues.
[Turning to others] Barbecues consiste of swilling gallons of beer and getting coma'd!
STEVE: Oh, we don't drink. KATH: We don't even know HOW to drink!

We don't even know HOW to drink!
Mark gasps and staggers backwards, appalled beyond credulity.
MARK: Well, we can't have that, now. Would you like me to teach you how?
OTHERS: Ooh, yes, please, tell us, do! (etc.)
Ooh, yes, please!

MARK beckons them into his abode... (This bit looks REALLY sifty but it wasn't meant to, honest!)
[Song: "Dough Ray Me Beer" - by Homer Simpson; supplimentary lyrics by Andrew Kepple]
MARK: Dough, the stuff that buys me beer
Ray, the guy who sells me beer
Me, the guy who drinks the beer
Far, a long long way from beer...
So - I'll have another beer
La... la la la la la beer
Tea - no thanks I'll have a beer
What'll mean I'm out of dough, dough, dough, dough,
LISA: The stuff - that buys me beer!
MARK: Ray...
FRED (slapping Ray on the back): The guy who buys me beer!
MARK: Me...
AMANDA: The girl that drinks the beer
MARK: Far...
SARAH: A long long way from beer!
ALL: So - I'll have another beer
La... la la la la la beer
Tea - no thanks I'll have a beer
Which will mean I'm out of-
GIRLS: Dough Me Me, Me So So,
Ray Far Far, La Tea Tea,
Dough Me Me, Me So So,
Ray Far Far, La Tea Tea,
The girls continue singing this as Mark continues...
MARK: When you know the beer to drink,
You can drink most anythink!
ALL: Dough Ray Me Far So La Tea Dough, So, Dough!

Everyone collapses into a drunken, laughing heap.

Scarfie's Blow Goat's

Cut to a view of the drunken louts dehaving drunkenly from the window of the K.A.O.S (Killing As Organised Sport) Headquaters. Dictator Troy is observing the drunken debauchery with distaste.
DICTATOR: ENSOC-heads. I hate ENSOC-heads.
JESTER: I don't like ENSOC-heads. They make me want to laugh.
DICTATOR: Don't worry, Jester! Whenever I feel like laughing I simply remember my favourite things and it all goes away...
JESTER: Your favourite things?
JESTER: And what might they be?
DICTATOR: Let me tell you!
Evil, compulsive, gothic music starts playing...

[Song: "My Favourite Things" - lyrics by Andrew Kepple]
Stingers on hornets and pincers on lobsters
Marilyn Manson and big, gothic mobsters
Disembodied heads impaled on a spike
These are a few of the things that I like!

I.R.A. bombers and K.L.A. snipers
Poisonous pythons and venomous vipers
Kicking my minions and goons up the chuff [he kicks the cameraman - Ow!]
This is a bunch of my favourite stuff...

When the sun shines, and the birds sing
And I'm feeling swell,
I simply remember my favourite things
And everything goes to "hell"!

Staging weird killing rounds over at uni
Evil cults like the First Church Of Christ, Looney
Elmo in bondage and "Yes, master Troy"
These are a few of the things I enjoy!

Wearing dark trenchcoats and frightening people
KAOS-dot-org-dot-N-Z and the Meme Pool
When the dog bites and when the bee stings
These are a few of my favourite things!

When the sun shines, and the birds sing
All the world's happy and gay
I simply load up my big water pistol
And blow them all... awaaaayyy!!!!

Fade out as the Dictator laughs maniacally.

Okay. Now that the main characters have all been introduced, it's time to have a bit of plot development.


DICTATOR: Jester? I have an assignment for you: You are to infiltrate this gruesome group of ENSOC-heads and find a means by which we can bring about their downfall, thus ridding them from the university and allowing us, KAOS, to spread our tentacles throughout the universe... ity. (Ahahaha.)
Here, don this rugby jersey.
JESTER (wearing rugby jersey): I look like a rugger!
DICTATOR: That's the idea. Now go; you're making my minions uncomfortable.
Les Uncomfortables

Cut to Mark's room. Steve enters, carrying a road sign.
STEVE: Hey guys - look what I swiped from outside; a "No Parking" sign!
Everyone laughs and makes approving noises. Then Jester slinks in.
JESTER: Hey guys... uh, how about that... local sports team, eh...?
How about that local sports team, eh?
Jester quickly realises that he's still wearing his ridiculous KAOS Jester hat, which he hurriedly removes. Everyone else suddenly sees him as one of their own. "Heyyyy!" "Have a beer"! "Canna-breeee!" etc.


[Song: "Cannabis" (to the tune of "Edelweiss") - Lyrics by Andrew Kepple]
MARK (holding a "joint"): Cannabis, cannabis, you look happy to greet me
Small and green, bright and clean, you look happy to meet me.
Leaves of dak, may you dry and burn...

As Mark sings to his not-too-sober audience, Jester, appalled, slinks out the door...
JESTER (talking into his cellphone): Ah, hello? Police please. Yes I'd like to report some deliquent goings-on at Rochester & Rutherford Hall: Drug abuse, roadsign-stealing, bestiality-
MARK: Hey - what's going on here? [grabbing the cellphone and reading the display.] Sh*t!
Mark rushes back into his room.
JESTER: Ha-ha! The Dictator's coming!
MARK: Guys guys, stall it! KAOS is after us - and the cops!
ENSOC-HEADS: Oh no, what're we gonna do? We must away!
(They 'away'.)

Cut to the carpark outside R&R Hall. The KAOSmobile screeches to a halt and the Dictator and Jester leap out, just as Mark bursts out the door of the hall of residence.
MARK: Too late!
The Dictator and Jester proceed to shoot Mark with their waterpistols. Mark falls down, dead.
AMANDA: Get up! It's just water! KAOS don't use real bullets!
MARK (sitting up): That's right - There Is No Spoon! HWAHHHHH!!!!
Mark does the whacky flying ninja thing - a big Matrix rip-off.

There Is No Spoon!

Camera moves around onto the other side of him.
There is an anticlimactic silence.
MARK: Maybe we should run away.
They run away.
MARK: To the Undie-500-Mobile!
DICTATOR: So, it's a car-chase they want! To the KAOSmobile!

To the KAOSmobile!

Cut to the Dictator and Jester sitting in the car. The engine revs, but...
COP: Evening sir...
DICTATOR: What the- Why aren't we moving?!
COP: You won't get very far with that wheel-clamp on your vehicle!
JESTER: What? We aren't in the uni' car park!
COP (pointing to the "No Parking Zone" sign): You're in a "no parking" zone!
You're in a No Parking Zone!

Jester springs from the car, uproots the sign and throws it to the ground.
JESTER: That sign was put there by ENSOC-heads!
COP: Yes, I heard about your roadsign stealing-
DICTATOR: No - you don't understand! This is all a conspiracy! It's a conspiracy I tell you - WHAT?!
The Undie-500-mobile roars past, with all the ENSOC-heads crammed into it and Steve clinging to the roof.
ENSOC-HEADS: So long, farewell, auf wiedersehn, goodbye!
So Long, Farewell, Auf Wiedersehn, Goodbye!

DICATOR: Damn you, ENSOC-heads! Damn you, ENSOC! But wait - without you here, nothing can stop us! Nothing can stop KAOS from taking over the university! Hwahahahah!
And the gloves go on (eventually)

As Dictator Troy laughs fiendishly, the camera zooms up on the cop in the background, who is slapping on a pair of latex gloves. The camera refocusses on the Dictator's menacing face, which changes to one of fear as his laughter ends with "OOGH! Oooh! Oohoey..." Fade.


The Undie-500-mobile speeds away with its passengers going "Canna-breeee". The ending music starts up. Fade to ending credits.
[Song: "Skull Ev'ry CD" - to the tune of "Climb Ev'ry Mountain". Lyrics by Andrew Kepple; Boyracer car-stereo arrangement of the music also by AK.]
Good afterble, constanoon!
Skull ev'ry CD
Skull ev'ry Speight's
Drink ev'ry Tui,
When you're with your mates
Drink every DB
And ev'ry Steiny, too
Swallow ev'ry lager,
Until you coma or spew!

In memory of Kate's car, which is no longer with us. Drive more safely, people. Kate did, but somebody else didn't.
(But Kate's still with us, in case you were wondering.)
That was "The Sound Of ENSOC" starring:

Richard Millard as Mark

Jeff Clark as Dictator Troy

The R&R HAll-Dwellers:
Karen as Lisa
Dan Allen as Fred
Serena Sii as Amanda ("The girl who drinks the beer")
Dan Lilley as Steve
Zarine Mohamed as Kath
Beware her wrath!
Susan Kepple as Bridget
Kate Burson as Sarah
Our Sober Driver

M@tt "SAK" Powell as Jester (ie, himself)
Susannah Donovan as The Cop
Michael Marshall as Ray
And the voice of Andrew Kepple as the BJ Hall-Master (Not pictured)

Keenie, Cat & Treeza as KAOS Minions
Left to Right: Keenie, Cat, Treeza

Colour Printing: Nicholas Murray
Cue Cards: Susannah Donovan
VRC: Alan O'Neil

Script, Camera, Props, Music, Editor, Director: Andrew Kepple.
Thanx to EVERYONE who took part in this film - you rock!

(Apologies to KAOS)

Interesting Notes:

* After Jester has phoned the police, he somehow magically teleports into the KAOSmobile. This was due to a last-minute script alteration: In the original script, the Dictator had two sidekicks, Agent Smite and Agent Germs. However, when one of the actors failed to turn up, Smite and Germs were combined into "Jester" - Matt Powell's actual alias within KAOS. Smite was to have remained with the Dictator while Germs infiltrated the ENSOC-heads. Apparently that minor plot-inconsistency went overlooked by the judges of the DTR "Ed Wood" Student Films Competition also, as "The Sound Of ENSOC" won an award for "Best Script"... heheh...

* The Dictator didn't actually receive a cavity search from the cop; Susannah never managed to pull the latex gloves on. Hurrah for the audience's twisted imagination! (Not that he WOULD have gotten a cavity search even if she HAD got the gloves on, of course!)

* The duration of the entire filming session was a mere two hours. During this time, Susan had to sneak off to a lecture, which is why you won't find her in any scenes after the Dictator's song.

* The editing of the film, on the other hand, took more than twice as long as the filming.

* The amount of money spent on making this film was $9.55. Most of this was due to printing costs, since the colour printer in the engineering department (courtesy of Nick - an authentic engineer) kept on stuffing up...

* Richard Millard is an ex-engineering student who enjoys swilling gallons of beer and getting coma'd!

* Serena Sii went on to become a member of the Student Executive Committee for 2001.

* Jeff Clark went on to become an accomplished comedian and TV personality. Oh wait, he already was beforehand...

* Karen went on to become an honorary member of KAOS.

* During "My Favourite Things", it isn't Jester that Dicator Troy keeps glancing towards; he's looking at the cue cards.

* This script is very different to the one on paper. There was much improvising. Karen, Matt, Susannah, and Andrew went on to perform in Dramasoc's "That Improv Show", starting that very night.

* During the orgy at the end of "Dough Ray Me Beer", look at the vandalised Scarfies poster in the background. An example of Canterbury patriotism at its best. (Yeah, I KNOW that the apostrophe shouldn't be there, but I'm being con'si'stent with "Flatmate's Planning Murder", idiot's!)

* The actor for the part of "Ray" didn't turn up. So we grabbed some random bystander (Michael) to play that part. The KAOS Minions were also random bystanders and actual KAOS members.

* KAOS's Dictator Troy is a real person. His resemblance to Jeff Clark with duct tape on his face is, however, purely coincidental.

The Real Slim ShadyTroy
The Surreal Slim ShadyJeff


* Jeff nearly died when the duct-tape was removed from his face. He is now recovering in hospital and looks like the amazing computerised exfoliating Robbie Williams.

* No beer-cans were harmed in the making of this film. The SPCAC (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Aluminium Cans) cracked down on me after "Canned Slaughter".

What makes me cringe: The shoddy camerawork before the Dictator's song, and when Jester dials the police, due to me trying to film, direct and operate a tape-recorder simultaneously. Ray's presence in scenes where he shouldn't've been. My voice (coz we didn't have an extra actor).

What pleases me: The way that the Dictator sinks into a mencaing silhouette on the line "To the KAOSmobile!" The way that the No Parking sign was hidden from view by the cop. The amazing amount of cooperation and encouragement from everyone involved (and some who weren't). The break in the week-long rainy weather. The fact that you have taken the time to visit this website. G'donya.

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In the meantime...
The Mortals... Just like an 80's sitcom only crunchy
Starring Corey's eyebrows and some other funny people.

Andrew's Twisted Homepage